please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
