i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
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