Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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