took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
