thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Randomize
