im six kinds of drunk right now
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
