also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
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