I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
