she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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