When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
