im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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