My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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