she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
