if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Randomize
