i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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