I wish I could teleport
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Randomize