I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
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