he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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