I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
I'm having to shit out rocks
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