rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Randomize
