HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
there is another microwave in the elevator.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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