If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
