Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Randomize
