Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Randomize
