I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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