I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
