honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize