don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
