i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
