If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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