If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
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