It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
