dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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