I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Randomize
