I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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