We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Randomize
