I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Randomize
