maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
