You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
