im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
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