I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
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