paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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