just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
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