Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Randomize
