Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Randomize
