I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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