I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Randomize
