my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
