College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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