Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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