Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
