forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
