yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
