i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
BRING THE BAGELS
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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