i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
