I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
