My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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