i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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