I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
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