That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Just pee around me
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
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