i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
