i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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